I recently made a trip to the UK . My initial intentions were to go to London and Spain. It ended up I felt bad for not having been to Scotland in so long, I modified my trip and visited my family in Scotland and of course went onto to London with my partner.
As you return people always ask you if you had a good time. No one likes to hear that you had a bad time on vacation right, so I save face and always say yes I did have a good time. This is not the case however. Of course I had a great time in London with Andres, however it prior to London where my experience with my family was not so pleasant.
For many years now, my family has always been at odds. There has never been a time where someone in the family has not been on the outs with someone else. I never truly realized the impact and the reason behind why this was the case until now.
To understand this better, my family in Scotland consists of many, but my immediate family consists of my mother's sister, my Aunt and her husband, my Uncle. They have three kids, all adults now. A boy and two girls. The girls are fraternal twins. I wont disclose names to protect them. These are the people I know well and love very much. I have always had a connection to Scotland, I was born there and visited annually during summer break. I have to say however when I did visit my Aunt and Uncle always made time for my mother and me and we had some good fun taking day trips or other excursions to the coasts, highlands and other parts of Britain.
I have always maintained an idealistic view of my family in Scotland and most certainly put my Aunt on a pedestal. I have always idolized her. Despite my intermittent disrespect for my mother, my Aunt was always well revered. After this trip, I have to say I am very disappointed in her as well as myself for being so naive about people, especially family. This time round, my Aunt sunk to an all-time low with her behavior and has finally allowed me to see into her deep, dark soul. She is rife with hatred and desperate for attention. I cannot begin to describe the passionate display of negativity for her family, most specifically her own children, her husband, her sister and I am certain myself now that I am gone. She has such an incredible and deep amount of disdain for everything and everyone and I am so glad I have seen it for myself. Without going into all the details and specifics, I honestly cannot believe the things she disclosed to me about the family and how she feels about everyone. She is a grossly unhappy woman. I can recant many instances of her defamation's over the years, however for the purposes of this story, it would be fruitless.
I have a greater understanding of myself from this trip and clearly see the similarities between my aunt and myself only to have taught me a valuable lesson about how to not be the same person I have become. Albeit I am not dreadfully hateful and cunning, I have seen similar instances of thought and process in myself that I can relate to her and it astonishes me. I know now my thought process relating to how I view others and things must be modified to not be so judgemental or malicious. Although they are only thoughts, I see they can lay a groundwork for a potentially bitter, future mindset. Everything happens for a reason and I so glad I am able to recognize these deficiencies within myself and change them before it is too late.
The question is how and why she has become this bitter woman. My mother, with all her faults, is very considerate and kind. Sure we are all different and have different natures, but my Aunt is so off on a drastically different path than my mother. From what I can recall about my Grandparents, they were also very kind and good natured. I know they had a tendency to be quick tongued, but they never were malicious or hurtful. I cant say for sure, but I don't think she got her bad nature from them, one can only speculate from where.
So I am at a cross roads. As much as a huge part of my heart and life belongs to my Aunt and Uncle, I am so upset with their behavior. A big part of it is denial. My Aunt denies and negates everything. She cannot see that anything she has done to anyone is her fault, she always places blame on everyone else but her. This is something I do to and know I have to change this first and foremost.
I really feel for my cousins. My initial intent upon my arrival was to repair the bonds that were broken between my Aunt and her children, 2 of 3 don't speak to her and the 3rd is not happy with how she treated me, so I guess we can say the 3rd is also on the outs with now. Of course the fact that all three of her children, who are all well into their middle age now, do not speak to her, is not her fault, it is theirs. This is a startling wake up call for anyone claiming something is not their doing. If all of your kids are not speaking to you, don't you think that perhaps it is not their fault? Does this not define denial? I cant believe that anyone is in such deep denial about themselves. My first inclination to write to her and disclose my thoughts, but will it help? I think probably not. I truly feel there is nothing that will change these relationship woes this time round. I think what is done is done and the bridges have been burned. These trying times may work themselves out and I am hopeful they will, but the scar will always be present for all involved.
My heart is very heavy with sorrow because of all this. I am really glad I have the mother I have and only wish I was closer to her in distance, as well as to my cousins in the UK. The family unit is so very important. I have to say the way I am in my life today is a direct result of how I was raised. There are very good points to this and very bad points, we hope the balance between the two makes a happy and functional person. I know for myself every experience teaches me, sometimes the lesson has to be learned again to really make an impact, but if you can get away with taking something from it, you are far better off than you were. I don't know what will come of all this, I venture to guess things may only get worse since my Aunt is not aware of all the conversations with my cousins and my mother. I can only guess this is the beginning of the end of a generation gap that will only grow wider. I hate to think that way, but it seems it might be the only way to teach my Aunt the lesson she needs to fully understand her problem.
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